Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
