He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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