1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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