My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You took a bar mat shot.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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