So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Houston, we have a blender
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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