so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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