Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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