I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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