i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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