The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
