Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
