I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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