i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
should my penis look like a turkey
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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