did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
