I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
