Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
