the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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