Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
