Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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