I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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