Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I want her autograph on my taint
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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