Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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