Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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