I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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