Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
