she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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