Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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