Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
