Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
