So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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