ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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