so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
