If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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