Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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