just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
