i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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