And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
