I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
