I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
