I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She is in my trunk
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
do nipples grow back?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
