I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
