a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
