If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
