Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
