you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
