if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need a beard to bite.
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