I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
