i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
