Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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