I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
