remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
