shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
