I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
