I'm really into asian looking animals
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize