I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
