is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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